This week: A geopolitical survey of what the player slots of Europe are thankful for.
World map, 1392, including player vassals.
The Aiello of Venice are thankful for ducats, shekels, benjamins, florins, shillings, guineas, guilders, thalers, and bezants. If it weren’t for the invention of coinage, what would we burrow through like porpoises? What would we dig through like moles? What would we throw up in the air and allow to rain down on our heads? And what, not to put too fine a point on it, would we bathe in? Seriously, you don’t want to live in a world where the Aiello can’t bathe in money; not after they’ve taken up the habit of garlic sausages from their neighbours.
The Lazuli of Greece are, of course, grateful for garlic; not only does it make their sausages taste great, it also makes their enemies keep their distance. But they don’t bother saying that sort of thing at Thanksgiving, it would be like saying you were grateful for breathing. Which, ok, yes, the Lazuli actually are grateful for breathing, lots of times it looked like they weren’t going to, but it makes you sound like a smartass who is not taking this stuff seriously. Anyway! Back on point, the Lazuli are grateful for the existence of logic; obviously it was pure logic that convinced the English to give them their current empire. Because, if you just think about it logically, there wasn’t anything better that could have been done with those provinces, was there? The Lazuli are not grateful to the English, mind you. The English were just doing what logically ought to have been done by anyone who could think about it for a few minutes.
The Kruel dynasty of Poland are grateful for the sweet, sweet peace of the grave. Nobody bothering them, nobody demanding that they inherit Hungary or not inherit Hungary, no Intrigue Focuses to avoid or overlords to keep satisfied… peace at last! That Thucydides, he knew what he was talking about. Most people just don’t realise he was actually a pacifist.
The Dantons of Germany are grateful for the German language, especially its consonants. Kaiserrreichhhh, they say to themselves, rolling the r and hitting the ‘ch’ sound with relish. Rrrr! Chhhh! Just the language to make yourself feel better about having to punish a rebellious vassal. Really, it’s sad when you have to put them down, but he had one job, and what can you do? Just repeat “Kaiserrreichhh” and try to think about something else.
The Rushids of Syria are grateful for the mercy of Christ, and for not being infidel swine like some people they could mention. People who are currently, you’ll notice, getting hit by multiple Holy Wars, and quite deservedly too. That’s the sort of thing that doesn’t happen to good Christian dynasties; not even if they converted only a generation ago. Christ is very merciful that way, and the Rushids are very thankful for that.
The Anubids of Egypt do not experience the human emotion of ‘gratitude’, per se. Or, indeed, any human emotions at all – at least, not in the Inner Circle, the individuals who have interacted directly with the Entity and who are, as a result, not precisely human anymore. And the head of the dynasty, of course, is not human in any sense whatever, except the purely biological one of possessing – the word is carefully chosen – a human body. Still, like any conscious beings, they have internal states that they experience when external events are in their favour, and other internal states that correspond to unfavourable externals. At the moment, then, they may be said to be pleased that things are going according to the Plan.
The Davion dynasty of Persia is not participating in this stupid custom. They are not grateful and they’re not going to pretend they are for the sake of some anachronistic infidel tradition. Just pass them some Turkey and shut up, ok? They’re just going to take some food back to their room and not bother anyone, and they would be gratef – that is, they would appreci – it would be nice if nobody bothered them either.
The Gyldenstierne of Denmark are grateful that there will always be an England. Especially since, apparently, they’re also going to have to put up with a pretty eternal-looking Germany. Excuse them, Kaiserrreichhh.
The Nestor of the Chagatai Khanate are grateful for crushing their enemies, for seeing them fall at their feet; for taking their horses and goods and hearing the lamentations of their women – wait, isn’t that what we were doing? Well then they don’t know. That’s what they had prepared. They’re not going to think up something new extemporaneously, what are they, some kind of thinking-up-things-on-the-spot machine? Crushing enemies, grateful, take it or leave it.
The D’Mertagne of the African Republic were going to do the money one, but the Aiello got there first which is so typical, why couldn’t we get to talk first for a change? Anyway now they don’t know. Oh wait, they’re grateful they have their trade zones all in a row, not scattered all across the Med like some people they know.
The Følsgaard of Russia are grateful they are not the designated black-magic guys this time around. In fact they are very happy they don’t know nothing about any kind of necromancy, no sir! Only white magic for Russia. Er, no magic, just mundane, um, non-magic things. Like, um, swords. Yes, swords; Russia is very grateful for swords. Oh dear, that came out kind of wrong, didn’t it? Er, well, the Følsgaard will sit down now. Um. Can they be grateful for chairs? And not swords or magic or any kind of unfriendly-sounding things at all.
The Shrewsburys of England are glad they are number one, because it’s good to be number one! Ha-ha, just kidding guys, of course we’re all equally valuable and some of you have armies almost as big and good as ours. No, seriously, they’re grateful we can all get together like this and have a peaceful and cheerful dinner together, with nobody sulking – well, almost nobody – and nobody bringing up any recent unpleasantness, and just being one big happy family without any squabbles or holy wars. Right? Cheers! Let’s eat!
I noticed the Great Powers fighting some Holy Wars this session, but did not stick around long enough to see who won; I kept my head down and crushed the last Italian holdouts. Also I built universities.
Central Med, 1392. Last Italian holdouts unified. Now what shall I do?